Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore
by Ahoy-Cinderella
Summary: AU / He knew she was putting on a brave front, trying to act like she wasn't bothered about what was going on but he knew it was killing her just as much as it was him.
1. Chapter 1

new one.  
It's gonna be a long one I think so bare with me

* * *

_I'm just a fool_  
_For holding onto something that's_  
_Never ever gonna come back_  
_I can't accept that it's lost_

_._

Brian Cassidy cleared his throat and straightened out his tie, checking himself out in the reflection of the large framed painting on the wall to make sure he looked presentable enough; he took a deep, shaky breath and knocked gently on the door before popping his head inside.

"Sorry I'm late" He glanced at each of the four people sitting around the large oak wood table who had turned their attention to the newcomer in the room. He was only a couple of minutes late but the way he was being stared out you'd think he'd held the meeting up for hours.

"Not at all Mr Cassidy, please, take a seat" Said the voice of a deep, harsh-spoken gentleman at the head of the table.

Brian nodded to the older man and the sharp-suited man next to him as well as the couple sitting opposite. The brunette sitting opposite him barely acknowledged his existence, throwing him a quick glance and then dropping her look to the table before giving the older man at the end of the table her full attention.

"Sorry Liv" He whispered across the table

"It's fine, you're not that late" She mumbled back

Brian took in the sight of his wife, soon to be ex-wife. Her hair was natural today, the way he loved it most, dressed in her pale blue shirt and black tailored blazer, she looked stunningly smart, she always did. She looked more tired than usual, he was sure he did too but apart from that she was the same old Olivia Benson as always.

He sighed quietly to himself turning his eyes to the judge as he began to speak.

"If we could get started…" His booming voice seemed to echo throughout the room "We are here today to discuss the arrangements made in your separation agreement"

Both lawyers began pulling sheets of paper from thin folders, shuffling words and papers between one and other across the desk.

Brian watched his wife, she looked emotionless – composed – her stare blank as she kept her eyes solely focused on her lawyer, not even bothering to look at him – her way of detaching herself from the meeting. If this was his first time laying his eyes on her he would assume she was nothing more than a ruthless, cold-hearted bitch, but he knew that couldn't be further from the truth. After almost nine years of knowing each other, six as a couple and five years of marriage he had to know her well, he made it his life's work to know everything about her, all the little ins and outs of what made her tick, what made her especially unique, what made her the fearless lioness she was today.

He knew she was putting on a brave front, trying to act like she wasn't bothered about what was going on. He knew that deep down; their divorce was killing her as much as it was him.

"Now, Mr and Mrs Cassidy have both come to the agreement that the children shall be kept in the care of Mrs Cassidy and they shall remain at their current residence" Brian dipped his head as he listened to his wife's lawyer, he didn't want to move out, hell he wasn't even in favour of their separation never mind the impending divorce.

He knew Olivia didn't take the matter of divorce lightly, she had always said if she was to ever get married it better be to the right man because she would only ever marry the one time. Brian regretted that he had pushed her to the point of no return, he wasn't even entirely sure why they were divorcing, all he knew is his wife was no longer happy and he was the main source. She had fought hard enough for their marriage, if only he had fought harder.

"And Mrs Cassidy has agreed to share joint custody of the couple's two children, the arrangements which are to sorted out between the two of you at a later date" This announcement made his head turn, he threw Olivia a questioning look

"If that's okay with you?" She asked sarcastically, her dark eyes narrowing "Provided you can fit them into your hectic schedule" She muttered

"Of course I can" He stated "Thank you Olivia" He added quietly, giving her a grateful glance and for a moment he thought he saw her demeanour melt away.

"I don't want to keep our kids away from their father Brian, I'm not that cruel"

"I never said you were Liv, just thanks for giving me a chance with them"

"Don't mess it up" She remarked

"I won't" He smiled at her, hoping she could read this thankful expression, hoping she understood how much it meant to him that she wasn't filing for sole custody.

Their two children were the light of both of their lives. The couple had been seeing each other casually for less than a year when Olivia had discovered she was pregnant with their first child. They were beyond hesitant and unsure about how they would cope at the time, were they even cut out to be parents, what about their fairly new relationship?

From the moment of the first sonogram, they had never looked back, both of them extremely excited and over the moon with their impending arrival, their first child, a son.

Zachary Benson Cassidy was born on February 9th. Now five years old he was full of life and the most inquisitive child known to man; He was extremely smart and as selfless as could be. He had his father's looks and his mother's fearlessness with his father's passion for all things sport and adventure. He was confident, funny and like his mother, frustratingly stubborn at times.

Seven months after the birth of their son the couple married. Olivia's dream wedding went off without a hitch as they professed their love and devotion to each other surrounded by friends and family on a warm day in the middle of August.

And on their son's second birthday Olivia surprised her husband with the news that they were expecting, again. Almost three years ago their daughter made her dramatic entrance into the world.

Lennon Sophia Cassidy was the epitome of daddy's little girl. She was a bundle of energy from the day she was born and with looks matching her mother's – which terrified Brian to his very soul, he knew he'd have to keep an eye on her when she was older, to the point of chasing any guy that looked her way with a shotgun if he had to - she was the most adorable little girl on the face of the earth. She had dark hair to just below her shoulders and deep chocolate eyes that matched her mother's perfectly and could convince both Brian and Olivia to give her near enough anything she wanted. She was a little girly girl with a heart of gold and a love of painting, being creative and all things pink and glittery.

"As long as the two of you agree to the terms set out here today, the rest of the divorce proceedings should go along without a fuss"

Brian perked up realising that was the end of the meeting; he shook hands with his lawyer and watched Olivia rush to shrug on her coat before saying a quick goodbye to her own lawyer and proceeding forth out the door without even so much as a look in his direction. He rushed out of the room after her wanting to speak to her without the tension that their lawyers brought between them.

"Hey Liv, wait up" He jogged after her and pushed the heavy glass door open for her as they stepped out into the cool august day.

"What is it Bri?" Olivia sighed as she pulled her cell phone from her pocket and kept walking

"I just wanna say thanks, you know, for not filing for sole custody, for letting me have time with the kids…"

"I'm not evil Brian" She glared at him before turning her attention back to her phone "And I did it for them, not for you. Just because we can't make our marriage work doesn't mean they should miss out on time with their father while they grow up"

Brian nodded

"They can make their own mind up about you as they get older" She told him icily

He ignored her bitter comment and continued to walk beside her, missing the times when he could just wrap his arm around her shoulder or pull her hand into his, feel the soft skin of her fingers link into his.

His mind faded back to when his own parents divorced, the spilt holidays, the every-other-weekend being tossed from house to house, listening to one-sided arguments as they fought down the phone. He said to himself from day one that he would never let his kids grow up with the experience that he had and yet here they were, heading into the dreaded land of divorce. He just prayed to god that they could keep it civil and still talk to each other without nasty comments and hostile fights.

"Well, thanks anyway, I really do appreciate it"

"You're welcome" She replied quietly, stuffing her hands into her pockets.

"Do you have to go back to work right away or do you have some time?" He asked hesitantly

"What for?"

"Wanna go grab something to eat? For old time's sake" He backed away a little for fear of getting punched in the mouth, he knew he probably shouldn't have added the last part, neither of them were really in any mood to reminisce.

"Bri, we're getting divorced, is that really the best idea?"

"Come Liv, we were friends before…in that meeting you acted as if you didn't even know me, did our marriage really mean that little that you'd go from being my wife to hating me so much?"

If Brian ever regretted a sentence in his whole life, that would be the one and he was prepared for the backlash that his soon to be ex-wife was about to bestow upon him.

"Did you just ask me that?" She turned to him sharply before sighing in defeat "Do you think I came to this decision lightly? Do you think I just woke up one morning and thought fuck it, let's get divorced?"

"Liv…"

"I don't want this Bri, I don't want this for our family, for our kids…for us" He saw the tears gather in her dark eyes "We were supposed to be forever" She whispered in the cold wind

"We could be Liv…"

"No we can't, not anymore, we just fell apart Bri, we got stuck in a routine and we got bored and…it's just not the same and I'm not happy, we're not happy"

"Come to lunch with me?" Brian decided to get off the subject of divorce "Besides, we have stuff to discuss"

"We do?"

"Yeah, we have a child with a birthday coming up and with all of this going on we should do something amazing for her to take her mind off of it"

Olivia smiled at his suggestion, Lennon had taken it hard when Brian had moved out, both of their children had but Lennon had been the more vocal one, constantly asking when he was coming home and if he could read her a bedtime story that night, eventually she had just given up and stopped speaking for a while.

"Good idea" Olivia gave her husband a small smile "Make it quick though, I have to pick Lennon up from my mom before two, she's got an appointment"

"I can make it quick" Brian grinned as he watched her face turn red at his innuendo.

They walked side by side to a quiet little diner down the street, sure they were about to go through the most heart-breaking situation of their lives but maybe, just for an hour they could act as if everything was normal.

* * *

_reviews please?_

_lyrics: just a fool - christina aguilera ft blake shelton_  
_title lyrics: till we ain't strangers anymore - bon jovi ft leann rimes _

_follow me on twitter if you want: ahoycinderella_


	2. Chapter 2

_We're gonna separate ourselves tonight_  
_We're always running scared but holding knives_  
_But there's a black chandelier_  
_It's casting shadows and lies_

_._

As they arrived at the diner Brian held the door open for his wife and as she stepped inside he placed his hand on the small of her back like he had done millions of times before over the last six years, it was a tough habit to break. She pulled away quickly when she felt his touch and turned to him with a glare.

"What can I get you Liv? My treat"

Olivia eyed him up and glanced at the menu wondering just why he was trying to get on her good side "I'll get my own, thanks though"

"What I can't even buy my wife lunch anymore?"

"I'm not your wife anymore" She spat "Well, not for much longer" She saw his face drop and turn a shade of pale as if he was about to be sick and she realised maybe she was being a little harsh and she softened her expression "I'll have a coffee and…" She quickly glanced at the menu "Turkey on rye" She looked up at him as he mouthed her order along with her.

"Sorry…" He gazed back down at his own lunch menu in fear or be scolded by her again

As the young waiter came by with their drinks they fell into a bout of silence, Brian watched as his wife's attention faded from their current zone off into another realm.

"What are you thinking about?" Brian asked while taking a long sip of his water

"Nothing" Olivia replied quickly and shook her head while bringing her steaming cup of coffee to her lips

"You kinda zoned out on me, you must've been thinking about something"

"It was nothing Bri"

She noticed the hurt look on his face when he realised that this is how it was going to be between them from now on, she didn't have to open up to him anymore, she didn't have to come to him with her problems, her fears and thoughts of life.

"I just…" She began "It's funny; we've been married for five years and it only takes ten minutes to get divorced, it just seems like it should take longer"

"Yeah, I guess we don't really count tomorrow as our anniversary anymore right?" He replied sadly, he gave her a small smile but she could read him like a book, she saw the sadness and regret in his eyes.

"I guess not"

"I can contest it if you like?" He smiled "Make it a bit more complicated?" Truth was he thought about it at first, he couldn't bear the thought of them separating but for the three months he'd seen her blossom a little more, like the weight of the world wasn't on her shoulders anymore, like she didn't have to worry about if every time they saw each other would it lead to an argument? Would he take another undercover stint?

In the beginning he didn't honestly think she'd go through with it but Olivia was never one to back down from a decision. She seemed happier without him, maybe she was. It hurt him like hell to think it but maybe she and their kids would be better off if they weren't together anymore.

"No thanks; please don't do that. It just…it seems like the end of an era, I guess"

"It is" Brian shrugged

"I guess so…"

The pair ate in a relative silence only stopping to speak about their children.

"So, have you planned anything for Lennon's birthday yet or…?"

"Not yet, she's not really in the most talkative mood just now" Olivia glanced at him "She misses you"

"I miss her too" He replied with a sad smile "And Zach, I miss them a lot"

"I know" Olivia nodded, guilt riddling her veins as she thought about the unhappiness her children felt without their father and how she was convinced it was all her fault, maybe it was but she couldn't think of any other way of fixing this, they had tried everything.

"I was thinking of taking her to the zoo, she said something about it last week, she really wants to go so I was gonna take them on Saturday"

"Sounds good" Brian nodded "My mom was wondering what you're doing for her birthday just because she was wanting to bring the presents over and see her you know? She didn't know if you were going to your mom's or what not, my dad was gonna call her in the morning..."

"Bri, this divorce is us, not our families; your mom and dad can come over at any time…"

He nodded "I know, just she doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable"

.

"Speaking of Lennon's birthday, I was thinking we could go together and get joint presents, at least this year you know, show a united front? It's less complicated that way." Olivia asked her husband as they stepped into the cool New York air, plus she didn't want it to result in a competition between her and Brian, to see who could buy the better presents.

"Sure, what were you thinking of getting her?"

"A pony" She replied straight-faced "Or a puppy"

Brian's eyes lit up

"Oh come on, we are not getting her a puppy" she chuckled

"What? Why not? It could be fun"

"Bri, I have a hard enough time trying to control two kids under the age of six, never mind adding a puppy into the mix"

"Okay, maybe not this year" He grinned, keeping the idea for a puppy in the back of his mind. His little girl was obsessed with animals and had wanted a puppy 'her whole life' according to her.

"I better go and get her, she's probably tired my mom out already and it's only been two hours and then I'll need to go get Zach from kindergarten…"

"Yeah" Brian nodded, desperate to ask her if he could come with her or at least come over to the house later, it had been almost two weeks since he'd seen their kids and it was killing him every single second.

"I'll see you later" She nodded and walked off

"Yeah, bye…" He muttered before turning in the other direction and walking back towards his car

"Wait, Liv!" He turned and shouted back before jogging towards her "I can go get Zach if you like? Save you running around like a lunatic"

"It's okay, you don't have to"

"No, I want to" He really did.

This separation from Liv was killing him but not seeing his kids any time he wanted was tearing him to pieces. He wanted to see them desperately. He now realised just how much time he had spent at work or away from home when he could've been tucked up in bed with his wife or lazing around on the couch watching movies with his kids. He felt like he had spent their entire childhood at work which was one of the main reasons for their divorce, the fact that Olivia felt her husband would rather be on the job than home with his family and that couldn't be further from the truth but now, being on the path to divorce, he knew she was right.

"Okay, he gets out at two-thirty"

"Great, I'll see you soon then"

"Yeah and don't be late! He panics if there's no-one there when he gets outside"

.

Brian stood outside his son's kindergarten school surrounded by other parents who were patiently waiting for their children. He perked up when the bell rang and a hoard of kids ran outside towards their parents. He noticed his son near the back of the group looking anxiously around for his mother or grandmother.

"Hey buddy"

"Daddy!" Zach ran towards his father and jumped into his arms yelling as Brian lifted him high into the air before dropping him to rest on his hip

"I missed you daddy" Zach threw his arms around Brian's neck and held on tight as they walked back to the car

"I missed you too buddy, so much" Brian cupped his sons head and kissed him on the forehead before strapping him in to the backseat of his car

"Are we going home daddy?"

"Yeah I'm gonna drop you off with your mom"

"Are you staying?"

"I'll stay for a little while" Brian smiled

"Good, I miss you and Lennon does too" Zach told his father as he kicked his legs in the backseat

.

"DADDY!" Brian placed his son on the ground as he entered his former home, his little girl came at him as fast as her little legs would take her, her dark wavy hair blowing behind her as she jumped down from her mother's lap and dived straight into her father's awaiting arms

"Hey there my little princess" Brian ran his hand into his daughters hair and kissed her forehead "I miss you so much baby girl"

"I miss you daddy" Lennon wrapped her little arms tight around his neck, refusing to let go.

Brian wandered into the living room with their little girl on his hip to find Zach explaining his day to his mother who sat on the couch with a mug of tea resting in her hand.

"Mama, daddy's here!" Lennon squealed with excitement as she removed one arm from around his neck to point at him.

"I can see that baby" Olivia smiled at her daughter "Thanks for picking him up" She said quietly

"No bother" He smiled

.

"Okay guys, you wanna go get ready to help Mama with dinner?" Olivia smiled at her children. Zach sat playing with his cars on the floor while Lennon was still attached to her father in what used to be his chair.

"Daddy stay?" Lennon lifted her head from Brian's chest only for a second to question her mom

"No sweetie, daddy has to go back to work" Olivia replied as she helped Zach tidy away his toys

"Liv…" Brian was about to say that he had the day off but thought different when he noticed the glare she seemed to be giving him he turned to his kids instead

"Mama's right you two…" He sighed quietly "I have to go"

"Daddy please don't go" Zach said from the other side of the coffee table "You're never here no more and we miss you"

Olivia felt her heart break at her sons words and she glanced over to her daughter who hadn't left her daddy's side since he walked in the door, she sat curled on his lap, her lip pouted as if she was about to cry at the prospect of her daddy leaving again.

"Come on guys, you need to wash your hands" Olivia stood and held out her hands to her kids

"But we're having special pizza for dinner, daddy loves special pizza mama, it's his favourite and mine!" Zach remarked happily "Please can he stay?"

Zach had dubbed their homemade pizza as 'special pizza' when he was two years old and it had been his favourite meal ever since, mainly because he got to make it himself which he thought was the coolest thing in the world.

"Zach it's okay, I'll come back and see you guys soon okay?"

"Daddy, please don't leave" Lennon buried herself into his shirt

"Guys, can I talk to daddy for a second, you both go and wash your hands and we'll start making dinner"

"Daddy, don't go" Lennon whispered loudly

"I'm just gonna talk to Mama, you guys be good and go wash your hands"

"Zach, help your sister!" Olivia called as they took off down the hallway

"Okay, you can go now" Olivia pointed out the door as she quickly put the rest of Zach's toys in his toy box

"Liv, I have the day off, I don't _have_ to leave"

"Yes, you do" She stood tall "Because I'm the one who has to deal with the crying and the screaming when you walk out the door and it's easier to do it now because they have dinner to distract them as opposed to later when our daughter will more than likely scream the house down the whole night because daddy wasn't here to read her a bedtime story" She icily growled at him

"Well, that's not my problem Liv, I'm not the one who threw me out" He threw back at her

"Don't even, are you kidding me? Don't you dare come in here acting like the doting father; you've barely been here in the last year. Too busy at work or taking stints undercover or doing god knows what with god knows who!"

Brian stood stoic in the middle of what was once their living room. Anger boiling through his veins as he listened to his wife practically accuse him of cheating.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare stand there and accuse me of cheating on you. Yeah maybe I spent too much time at the office but you have to be bat-shit crazy if you think I'd rather be there than here with you and our kids and you should be locked up in a white padded cell for even thinking that I would cheat on you." Brian paced back and forth, trying to keep his voice quiet as their kids giggled in the bathroom down the hall

"I love you more than anyone on this fucking planet Olivia, I still do, even if you don't feel a shred of anything for me anymore, you are it for me. The fact that you think I would cheat on you kills me because it means the last six years have been a complete waste because you clearly don't trust me, how can you even begin to think I would do that to you?"

"Bri I- I didn't mean…"

"Forget it, just…I'm gone, I'll leave you alone, just let me know when I can see the kids again" Brian sadly grabbed his cell phone and jacket from the chair and marched out the front door making sure to be quiet when he closed the door.

Olivia stood heartbroken in the middle of their living room, she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes as she watched her soon to be ex-husband sitting in the front of his car with his head in his hands. She regretted the words as soon as they fell from her lips, she knew he never cheated and that he never would, things just get said in the heat of the moment and for her that was one of them.

"Daddy can I have chicken on my pizza?" Zach called as they ran back through to their parents

Olivia whipped round and ushered the kids into the kitchen

"Is daddy gone?" Lennon looked up at her with her big dark eyes, sadness pouring over her face

"Yeah baby but he'll come and see you again" Olivia smiled at her little girl and ran her hand through her hair

"No! Want him now!" Lennon shouted and stomped her little foot

"Lennon…"

"No! I want daddy" She cried and ran through to the living room "Daddy!" She clambered up onto the window seat and banged on the large window "Daddy, please!"

Olivia couldn't stop the tears from falling as she grabbed her little girl and held her close, slowly rocking her from side to side as she cried into her mother's shoulder

"I want daddy!"

"I know sweetheart, I know" Olivia couldn't even lie about him having to work; she couldn't bring herself to give her kids an excuse anymore. Sooner or later they would have to accept that this was how their family was now and that daddy wouldn't live with them anymore.

* * *

_any thoughts? please review so I know if you want me to continue or not  
_

_(Also, go check out the final chapter of AMLMLN and let me know if you're keen for a sequel!)_

_lyrics: black chandelier - biffy clyro_

_follow me on twitter: ahoycinderella_


	3. Chapter 3

_I gotta stay_  
_As far away as I can get_  
_Cause a part of me hasn't left_  
_If I get too close you're gonna pull me back in to_

_._

Olivia awoke the next morning to a pounding on the front door. She groaned and rolled over; her sleep had been broken and restless the whole night. She slapped her arm down on what should have been her husband but turned out to be an empty side of their bed.

Her heart tugged slightly realising today was their fifth wedding anniversary. This time five years ago she had been awake for the whole night, running on barely any sleep and didn't even care, she was the happiest person in the world that day.

She grabbed one of Brian's old flannel shirts that she had stolen from him when they had first started dating and threw it on over her white tank top and dark boy-shorts and quickly ran downstairs before whoever the hell was banging on the door woke up her kids.

"Do you know what time it is?" She moaned at the young delivery girl who stood on her front step with a large bouquet of flowers.

"Eight-thirty miss" The young redhead smiled "Mrs Cassidy?" She confirmed before handing over the clipboard and asking for Olivia's signature.

"Enjoy" She smiled before bounding down the steps back into her little pale blue delivery van.

Olivia stood with the flowers in her hands, smiling sadly as she slowly walked into her kitchen and carefully placed them on the table.

_Trust it to be this time he remembers_ she thought to herself. Brian was always brilliant with gifts whether it was her birthday, their anniversary, Christmas or just a random day he felt like surprising her but somehow he almost always forgot the flowers and would run out last minute to get some.

She softly ran her fingertips over the petals of all of her favourite flowers, lilies, roses, daises all in a range of different colours. Her heart panged in her chest as she noticed the little white card sticking out from the plastic wrapping.

With a shaky hand she reached for it and sat with it, twirling it around in her fingers unable to open it. She finally took a deep breath and plucked up the courage and opened the little white card that had her name printed on the front.

_Loved you once  
Love you still  
Always have  
Always will_

_Xxx_

Olivia threw the card to the table and pressed her hands hard against her mouth as she tried to stop herself from crying out. She felt the tears prick her eyes as she pulled the card back and read it over and over again, that same phrase he had said to her on their wedding day at the end of his vows, the same phrase he had written in marker pen on the bottom of her white heels that she wore as she walked down the aisle to meet her new husband.

.

"_Where the hell are my shoes?!" Olivia paced around the room, her hair and make-up set perfectly, her white dress that fit like a glove already on and tied up. The fitted bodice that hugged her curves plain with a fine layer of lace over it, the rest of the dress flowed from her hips to touch the floor. She had seen it once and knew it was the dress._

"_Liv, they'll turn up…"_

"_Casey, I am not walking down that aisle barefoot"_

"_Delivery for Olivia Benson…soon to be Cassidy" Munch knocked at the door and slid his arm in, holding the white box that contained her wedding shoes_

"_Why the hell have you got my shoes?" She laughed as she pulled the box from him_

"_Wow, Liv, you look amazing" Munch smiled and pulled her in for a hug as he stepped into the room_

"_Thank you" She grinned "How are my boys?"_

"_Zach is fine, he's just woken up, Cassidy could do with a nap though, all of these nerves are making him grouchy" Munch joked_

"_Go calm him down, I don't want him running out on me" She panicked_

"_Liv, an earthquake could tear through this place and it wouldn't stop him marrying you" He smiled and hugged her once more before leaving to tend to her nervous fiancée down the hall._

_Olivia sat on the golden embroidered couch and pealed the sheet of paper from the lid of the shoe box._

_Liv,_

_I wanted to do something cute and romantic for you on our wedding day but let's face it, I'm not the best with all of that and I apologise. I do love you though, more than anything and with every breath you breathe and every step you take I want you to remember that no matter what happens in the days, weeks and years to come, you are the love of my life and nothing or no-one will ever compare._

_I love you, beautiful._

_Brian xxx_

_Olivia quickly grabbed a tissue and dabbed her eyes, hoping her make-up wasn't already smudged. She pulled the lid from the box and carefully lifted out her shoes; she turned them over and noticed his handwriting inscribed along the sole of her left shoe._

_Loved you once  
Love you still_

_and_

_Always have  
Always will_

_written across the right._

.

Olivia sat back in the chair and sighed, thoughts of her wedding day flooding her mind as they did every year, usually making her happy but now, it was breaking her heart even more. The last thing she wanted was a divorce, at times she couldn't believe she had even done it. She had actually gone to a lawyer, filled for separation and now divorce.

There were moments when she thought about calling the whole thing off, calling her lawyer and telling him to burn the papers and that she would never need his services again and then calling her husband. Telling him she was sorry over and over again until he forgave her for being a complete idiot and came home and spent the rest of his life with her and their babies like he had promised five years ago to the day.

.

Brian rolled over on the couch, groaning as stabbing pains shot through his back and legs. He hated this apartment, he hated this couch but he hated sleeping in the bed even more, he hated that he should be in bed beside his wife every night not in some stupid bachelor apartment by himself.

He reached for his ringing cell phone on the table

"Cassidy…" He groaned

"Hey…It's me"

Brian sat up and kicked his legs over the edge of the couch

"Hey, I didn't think I'd hear from you today" He knew it was their anniversary and she was the last person he expected to hear from, especially today.

"I-I just wanted to say I got the flowers…"

Brian's eyes widened "Oh Liv, I'm sorry" He dropped his head into his hand "You know I always forgot…so last year the day after our anniversary I went to the florist and put in a standing order, you know…so I wouldn't forget again" He chuckled, his heart jumped when he heard her laugh down the phone, it had been a long time.

"Yeah, you always forget the flowers" She sighed, a slight laugh taking over her voice.

"I guess I just forgot to cancel them…again, always forgetting about the flowers"

"I'm glad you didn't" She smiled, not that he could see but she sat still running her fingers over the petals "They're beautiful, Bri"

"Well, I'm glad you like them" He smiled

"This doesn't change anything" She told him, her voice quiet "I don't want you to think…"

"Liv, I know." He sighed, trying to ignore the knot in his stomach "Honestly, I just forgot to cancel the order…"

"I know"

"Well, I better go…bye" She said quickly

"Yeah, see you" Brian quickly hung up the phone and threw it across the room as he fell back against the couch.

.

"Good morning buddy" Olivia grinned as she reached the top of the stairs, her little boy was tiredly walking out of his bedroom, his dark blue pyjamas had ridden half way up his legs in his sleep. Zach rubbed his eyes and walked over to his mother

"Good morning Mama" He smiled as he cuddled into her legs.

Olivia leaned down and hugged her son and placed a tender kiss on his the top of his head before running her hands through his messy hair. "Why don't you go and see if your sister is awake and then we'll go get down and get some breakfast okay?"

"Okay Mama" Zach yawned and walked across the hall to his little sister's bedroom

Olivia watched him leave. She was thankful that her kids almost always got along; Zach was a brilliant big brother, always kind to his baby sister, always willing to share his stuff if she wanted to play with him and he had been great with her since Brian had moved out. At five years of age he somehow managed to comfort her better than her own mother.

She quickly snuck into her bedroom, the little white card still in her hand she walked over to the wooden box on top of her bedside cabinet and sat down on the edge of the bed. She opened the box and smiled at all the little pieces of paper and post-it notes of all colours that lay in there.

Brian was always leaving her little notes, it was his way of being romantic and she absolutely loved it. She'd find notes stuck to the fridge or the back of their bedroom door, on the bathroom mirror, in her car, even in her pockets or tucked in her shoes. And she kept every single one he ever wrote.

.

"Good morning pretty girl" Olivia grinned at her daughter as she stepped quietly into the dusty rose-pink room. Her heart tightened as she watched her kids sit together on the bed, both looking up at her with sleepy smiles.

"How are we this morning?" Olivia dropped the bed rail that sat down one side of her bed. They had installed it as soon as she fell out of bed for the second time. She sat down and gathered her baby girl in her arms

"Okay Mama" Lennon smiled up at her as she tucked into her mother's side.

Once they were all sat in the kitchen eating breakfast Lennon moved from her chair and climbed up into her mother's lap.

"Mama, can we go to the park today?" She asked sweetly

Olivia moved her daughter's bowl of cereal in front of her and encouraged her to finish her breakfast.

"Mama has to go to work later on to see Papa Don and Uncle Fin and help them with something, so you guys are gonna go see grandma today, maybe she could take you? Or we can go tomorrow?" Olivia suggested with a smile, she hated having to say no to her kids when they wanted to do stuff but sometimes she just had to, she still had a job to do after all.

"Can daddy take us?" Zach asked as he spooned some more cheerio's into his mouth.

"Yeah, Daddy!" Lennon grinned

"I think Daddy has to work today as well little one"

"Can we call him and see?" He asked, tilting his head to the side and gazing up at her with the eyes that matched his father's

"Okay, how about you guys finish your breakfast and I'll call Daddy and see what he says okay?" Olivia offered, she couldn't deny her kids anything and it broke her heart that the kids were taking this separation so hard but some things had to be done. She felt guilty as hell for how she acted yesterday with Brian, practically forcing him away from his children when he hadn't seen them for almost two weeks. She couldn't imagine what she would feel like if it was the other way round and he had done that to her.

.

"If something else arrived for you, I swear this time it wasn't me" Brian chuckled awkwardly as he answered the phone to his wife for the second time that morning

"Hey Bri" She laughed back "No it's not that I-eh…are you busy today? You at work?" She asked hoping he'd say no just so she could see her kids smile again.

"Just paperwork but I'm half tempted just to take it home, why?"

"No, it's nothing, I need to go in and help Fin wrap up this case, I should only be a couple of hours and I was gonna just drop the kids with my mom but they asked for you and I thought…"

"I'll take them" He interrupted "Liv, I'll take them"

"Bri…"

"Please Liv, let me see the kids" He practically begged down the phone and Olivia felt her entire world shatter, had she really been that much of a bitch about letting him spend time with his own children? Had she really used their kids to hurt him that badly? She heard the hint of pain in his voice and it killed her.

"Okay, that's fine…I erm, can you get them or will I drop them off?"

"I can come and get them if you like? If that's any easier?"

"That's fine, I said to Cragen I'd be in around eleven if you can make it for then?"

"Yeah, yeah I can. Thanks Olivia"

"No problem, oh and by the way, they wanna go to the park" She chuckled

"I'm sure I can do that" He smiled down the phone "I'll see you soon"

.

"DADDY!" Lennon took off running down the hall as Olivia let Brian in the front door

"Hey princess" Brian scooped his daughter and held her close placing a kiss on her cheek and her forehead "How are you today baby girl?"

"Good, we go to the park?" She tilted her head and gave the 'look-at-me-I'm-so-cute-give-me-anything-I-want' face that she, in her almost three years of living had perfected pretty much since the day she was born, the look that Brian could never say no to. The exact same look she inherited from her mother.

"Yeah baby, we can go to the park" He placed her back on the floor and she took off running to find her brother

Brian turned to Olivia and smiled, an awkward silence falling over the couple

"Hey" He smiled

"Hi…" She paused before walking away from him and into the living room.

"I shouldn't be too long, just some paperwork and talking to the parents of the vic, shouldn't be more than a couple of hours so…"

"It's fine Liv, take all the time you need, I know how to look after them" He smiled

"I know, I didn't mean…"

"Liv, it's fine"

"I'm so sorry" She whispered, trying not to let her voice break under the heavy emotion that fell over her "I'm sorry I've been such a bitch about this, about the kids and you and…god I never wanted it to be like this…"

"I know, it's okay" Brian nodded

"No, it isn't…it's killing them" She gestured to their children who were playing around in the hallway "I hate that I've done this to our family…"

"Liv, you didn't do this, if I was a better husband to you then you wouldn't have had to do this, it's as simple as that" He replied sadly

"You are…were a great husband" She hated herself for having to correct her sentence

"Not great enough" He chuckled sadly "And I truly am sorry for that, you deserve the world Liv, I'm so sorry I couldn't be the one to give it to you"

A little voice interrupted their moment "Daddy when we going?" Zach asked excitedly, his coat was half on as he carried his shoes into the living room and gazed up towards his father.

"Soon buddy, are you both ready?"

"Lennon! Come on!" Zach shouted the into the hallway as he ran to get his little sister

"This is the happiest they've been for weeks" Olivia smiled, the tears still present in her eyes. "And you did give me the world, Bri…" She said quietly and shrugged "You gave me them" She smiled and pointed to their children.

"They'll get used to this Liv, it's new, it's gonna take time. We all need to get used to it" He placed his hand on her arm and squeezed "It's gonna be fine"

"You're giving this a very positive outlook" She raised her eyebrow and smiled

"You've made up your mind and I can't change it so, I guess the only thing to do is try and get used to it"

.

* * *

_thoughts? leave a review and let me know if you want more._

_lyrics: I was gonna marry you - tristan prettyman_


	4. Chapter 4

_I don't even know, sorry._

* * *

_We're collecting dust_  
_But our love's enough_

.

"Hey…"

"Hi…"

Brian turned his head and smiled at Olivia. She looked defeated as she slowly walked over to the large armchair and quietly dumped her weary body onto the cushions. She sighed and ran her hands through her dark hair and gazed over at her sleeping children before glancing towards the TV.

"Lennon picked the movie?" She smiled, gesturing to the little orange and white fish swimming across the TV screen, Finding Nemo had always been a favourite of hers.

"Zach picked it actually" Brian chuckled quietly; he reached down and ran his fingers through his son's dark hair, cherishing the moment that fell upon the little family. His heart sank when he realised he'd have to leave soon and head back to his empty, boring apartment.

"I made dinner" He tilted his head towards the kitchen "There's some left in the fridge if you wanna heat it up, I know you probably didn't eat already"

"You didn't have to do that" She smiled gratefully "Thank you"

"It's okay" He reached down for his little girl's hand that lay across his stomach.

Both kids had decided that they wanted to have movie time with daddy after dinner since he was never here anymore, upon hearing their request Brian couldn't even begin to think of a reason to turn them down. It killed him to not be a daily part of his children's lives anymore. After dinner and bath time Brian had agreed to let them chose a movie for them all to watch until their mother came home. They both fell asleep around half way through the movie and were currently collapsed over his body.

"I'm sorry I'm so late" Olivia whispered "The case was…well…"

"It's fine, I know how it is. I'm just glad I got to spend the day with them." He smiled.

Olivia had called him just after he had arrived home with the kids from the park, stress and anger lacing her voice at the turn out of her case, she was only supposed to be a couple of hours and had ended up spending the whole day chasing suspects and interrogating creeps.

"Should probably get them to bed…" Olivia got to her feet

"It's okay, I can do it, you go eat. Chill out, I'll get them sorted" Brian smiled as he slowly lifted his sleeping children into his arms. Olivia grinned at his ability to somehow lift both sleeping children without waking either of them.

"Thank you" She whispered before standing beside him and kissing both of her children's heads. "Sweet dreams, little ones" She ran her fingers softly through their hair before allowing Brian to step out of the living room and up the stairs.

.

After tucking both children into their beds, Brian quietly climbed down the stairs, he stood second from the bottom and watched his wife sit stoic on the couch. She hadn't even removed her jacket yet. He walked into the room to say goodbye but felt his heart tug as his eyes fell upon her face.

"What happened, Liv?"

"Nothing" She replied as she stared straight ahead at the fire place

"You can still talk to me you know?" He walked around the coffee table and sat at her side

"I just had a really bad day" She chuckled, running her hand through her hair once more before roughly shrugging off her jacket.

"Liv…"

"I had this woman…this evil, disgusting woman…" She began; Brian could feel the rage emanating from her body "Her junkie boyfriend had been abusing her six year old daughter, six years old…" She stressed.

"The woman's neighbour called us saying the little girl was screaming in the apartment and she could hear her mother yelling at her and she was worried so Fin and I went and checked it out, brought them in and this _creature_ was giving us excuses as to why she was slapping the hell out of her daughter saying things like it was her daughter's fault and she was a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend…she's six years old, Bri. Six. And her mother doesn't even think its abuse; she says the little girl is a little flirt and was asking for it…"

"I just…I had to interview that girl, she's just a baby, Bri she was terrified, all she kept saying was that she was sorry, it was her fault her mommy was mad and she promised she would be a good girl and she kept asking me if I was sending her to jail" Olivia wiped the tears from her eyes "She's six years old." She breathed sadly.

Brian sat still in his place letting her vent and get all of her frustration out, he wanted nothing more than for things to be back to normal right now so he could do what he usually did on days like this. They would tuck the kids into their beds and lie together on the couch or in bed, he would let her rant about her day and hold her while she cried, she always cried with the child cases. They would lie for hours and he would tell her over and over that everything would be okay and he loved her and her and their family were safe, nothing would ever happen to them. He would convince her of her superhero status and yet remind that as hard as she tried, she couldn't save everyone.

"At least it's over for her now" He replied quietly "She's gonna get help, she'll pull through this, it might take a while but you saved her Liv."

"Yeah…" She scoffed

"Hey, you saved that little girl today Olivia, the hell she's suffered for god knows how long? It's over." He reached for her and placed his arm around her shoulders "She's free from that now. She'll get help, therapy, all of that and she'll grow up and live her life, free from her mother's harm."

Olivia gazed up at him with teary eyes "Thank you" She whispered as she wrapped her arms around his waist and cuddled into him, forgetting, just for a moment that they were separated. For right now, everything was the way it should be.

Brian smiled and kissed the top of her head before starting to pull away. He stayed still when she pulled him back to her; she looked up at him, her dark eyes clouded over as she moved closer.

"Liv…"

She reached for his face, her fingers tracing the stubble that coated his chin before she tipped her head and pressed her lips against his, a sweet, simple kiss that caused a mountain of fireworks between the couple. It had been almost four months since they had been together and any plans either of them had for getting over each other and trying to move on were currently being thrown out the window.

"Liv" Brian ran his hands into her hair and pulled back from the kiss, keeping her forehead against his. "We can't do this" he whispered, regret coating his words.

"I just want everything to be normal again" She admitted "I don't know how to handle this without you"

She was so used to coming home from a horrible day and having her husband to come home to, he was patient with her, let her vent her emotions as he held her tight and promised her everything was going to be alright before guiding her up the stairs and making mad, passionate love to her for hours until the horrific events of her day were distant memories.

Olivia leaned in and pressed her lips to his again, she knew she shouldn't, she knew this would only lead to more heartache on both of their parts but she needed this, she needed him, she needed to forget.

.

He knew it was wrong, he knew he should just get up and leave and not be sitting here on this couch with his soon to be ex-wife on his lap, his fingers tangled in her long dark her, his tongue battling with hers as she grinded her hips desperately into his.

He knew he shouldn't be reaching for her thigh, playfully squeezing the strong muscle and grinning as she moaned in his mouth. He knew he shouldn't be sliding his hand underneath the dark blue shirt she was wearing but he was and it seemed nothing was going to stop him.

Brian moved forward on the couch, pulling Olivia's legs around his waist as he stood and wrapped his arms under her. She giggled against his lips as he stumbled through the living room and carried her up the stairs as quietly as they could be, hoping their sleeping children wouldn't awaken.

Almost two hours and four earth-shattering orgasms later, Olivia struggled to free herself from the tangled mess of limbs and sheets that trapped her to the bed. The lack of air in her lungs and energy in her body made it almost impossible for her to form a sentence never mind move her body.

Brian lay on top of her, his body covering hers, wrapping her in a warm cocoon of safety although she knew it wouldn't last. It couldn't last; they were in the middle of divorce proceedings for gods sakes.

They lay in silence, their hands and lips' slowly caressing each other's skin for what was to be the last time, memorising ever tiny detail that no-one else would ever find.

"Bri…" Olivia whispered in the dark, she tried to stay strong, she knew she was about to hurt him more than before, she had just essentially used him for her own needs and was about to kick him to the curb. The last thing she wanted to do was throw him out but she knew it was for the best. Her heart snapped when he nodded and dipped his head to her shoulder and she heard him mutter

"Don't worry, I'm leaving" He quickly rolled away from her body and grabbed his boxers from the floor, hastily gathering the rest of his clothes he quickly dressed before taking one last look back at the bed.

Olivia lay wrapped in the white bed sheet; her dark hair casting a shadow over the pillows as she slowly sat up and watched him leave.

"Bri…" She called for him as he reached the door

"Go to sleep, Liv"

"Please don't hate me" She whispered as her voice broke, she clasped her hand over her mouth to try and control herself.

"That's the thing, Liv…" Brian turned towards her and sighed "I'll never hate you"

.

"Morning Mom" Olivia opened the door with her daughter balancing on her hip and kissed her mother on the cheek.

"Morning darling" Serena smiled "And good morning to you my little sweetie pie" She grinned and held her hands out for her sleepy granddaughter who happily jumped from her mother into her grandma's awaiting arms.

"Thanks for coming early, Cragen wants this case done and dusted before the day is over, I need to be in court in an hour and I need to stop by the station first" Olivia quickly rattled off as she downed another mouthful of steaming coffee and she led her mother into the kitchen.

"It's no bother Olivia. You go do what you have to do, I'll watch these two" Serena grinned as she sat down at the table with her grandchildren.

Olivia smiled from her stance against the kitchen counter as she watched her mother interact with her children. Her childhood hadn't been the best; her mother was an alcoholic who was barely ever around, leaving a little Olivia to fend for herself at all hours of the day. As she got older and left the house, during her college years and her time at the academy their relationship had changed, it had gotten better but her mother was still a drunk who took her anger out on her daughter, only this time Olivia could leave.

They had a strenuous relationship her whole life until five years ago when everything changed. She would never forget the day she and Brian had gone to her mother's apartment on a warm July afternoon to tell her they were expecting their first child.

Serena had changed her entire life from that day forward, vowing to be there for her daughter and her grandchild. Olivia was hesitant to believe her as it was the first time she had made this sort of promise of change but she did. She hadn't had a drop to drink since that summer's day.

"So how are you doing? How's Brian?" Serena asked as she approached her daughter and poured herself a couple of coffee

"Fine, good, everything's fine" Olivia nodded as she gulped another taste of her coffee

"Wow, sweetheart you used to be a good liar" Serena smirked at her only child.

"What? We're fine; he spent all day with the kids yesterday. I mean they miss him like crazy and I know he misses them and that's hard but it's something we all have to get used to."

"And?"

"And what?" Olivia asked wide eyed

"Oh come on Livvy, there's something you're not telling me"

Olivia sighed and grabbed her blazer "We slept together…last night"

Serena sighed shook her head "And I'm just hazarding a guess as to the fact that he left straight after?"

"Pretty much" Olivia shrugged on her blazer and dumped her half-drunk coffee in the sink "I made him"

"Olivia, this isn't good, for either of you…or for them" Serena pointed to Zach and Lennon who were happily munching on their cereal at the kitchen table.

Olivia sighed and gazed in her children's direction "I know that Mom. I had a bad day, he was here…it just happened, I know it shouldn't have but it did, it's done and he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you; the only way that man is capable of hate is if anyone hurt you or the kids, Brian will never hate you, darling"

"Yeah well, after this I wouldn't be surprised if he does" She sighed and ran her hands threw her hair before checking her watch "I need to go"

She walked over to the kitchen table and kissed her children on the head "I love you both, have a good day and be good for grandma. I'll see you both later for pizza"

"Yeah pizza!" Zach cheered and hugged his mother

"I love you guys, see you later!" She called as she quickly left the kitchen and practically ran out the door, grabbing her coat, purse and phone on the way.

.

At three in the afternoon Olivia slumped down in her chair and threw her cell phone on her desk. She had been in court all morning and in the field for the last hour and a half trying to find a witness who hadn't shown up for court and she was exhausted, wanting nothing more than to go home, get changed and snuggle up with her babies.

"Olivia, can I see you for a minute?" Cragen stepped out of his office with a worried look on his face.

She turned in her chair "What's wrong, Cap?"

"Can you come inside?" He held the door open as she walked into his spacious office.

"Liv, its Brian…" Cragen began

She shook her head "What about him?"

"I just got the call, they've been trying to reach you for over an hour but your phone must have been off…"

"Cap…" Olivia's eyes widened in fear, her heart thudded in her chest, her hands shook with nerves and her mouth went dry "What happened?"

"He's in the hospital"

.

* * *

_thoughts? continue? anything?_

_lyrics: just give me a reason - p!nk ft nate russ_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


	5. Chapter 5

_kinda filler chapter, kinda not._  
_let me know what you all think._

* * *

_No longer overwhelmed and it seems so simple now_  
_It's funny when things change so much_  
_It's all state of mind_

_._

"Brian Cassidy? I need to see Brian Cassidy…He was brought in an hour ago…" Olivia could barely hear her own voice as she ran up to the reception desk, her mind flooded with the worst thoughts possible, was he seriously injured? Was he in surgery? Or worse, had he even made it to the hospital alive?

The hospital called Cragen a little over an hour ago because they couldn't get a hold of Olivia and were reluctant to tell him anything due to the fact he wasn't a family member. As soon as her captain had told her what he knew Olivia ran from the squad room and dived into the sedan that was parked out front, she tried to stop her mind from going to the worst possible situation, she wiped the tears from her eyes and sped through the city streets to the front doors of Mercy Hospital.

"Ma'am, are you a relative?"

"I'm his damn wife now where the hell is my husband!?" Olivia growled angrily at the young receptionist, the tears that were pressing in her eyes now flowing freely down her cheeks.

"He's on the second floor, room 209, once you get out the elevator turn left and you'll find the room"

Olivia quickly thanked the young blonde and sprinted towards the elevator. The ride up two floors seemed to last a lifetime as she wiped her eyes and took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself down, she looked at her shaking hands, her entire body was numb. What the hell was she going to tell their children?

The elevator doors slowly slid open and Olivia stepped out, she could barely control her trembling body as she gazed around looking for room 209. She approached the door and sighed, the curtains were pulled around the bed and she couldn't see anything.

She jumped when the pale blue curtain was pulled back revealing an older man in a long white coat. Olivia clasped her hand over her mouth to hide the sob that fell from her lips when she saw him, her husband, perched on the edge of the bed, white gauze strapped across various places on his chest and stomach.

"Bri…"

"Liv, what are you doing here?" Brian shifted on the bed, she watched as he winced in pain.

"What the hell happened?" She wiped the tears away from her face furiously "Is he okay?" She turned to the doctor, unable to stop the trembling of her bottom lip.

"He's fine, he'll need to take it easy with the stitches, he's got about twenty-seven of them altogether on his chest which will dissolve on their own, and another thirty in his arm. Some of the cuts didn't cut deep enough to need stitched but do need to stay covered until they begin to heal. I'm going to sign him off work for a month but other than that he's fine"

"He doesn't have a concussion?"

"No Ma'am he doesn't…"

"Good…" Olivia reached over and slapped the side of Brian's head

"Jesus Liv, what the hell?"

"Don't you ever do that to me again" She sobbed, her hand covering her mouth as more tears fell from her dark eyes.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, you shouldn't have worried" Brian nodded to the doctor as he left the couple alone. He reached up and ran his fingers through her hair trying to comfort her as she stepped into his arms.

"I had no idea what happened, the hospital called Cragen" Olivia pulled back from him and began to explain "I'm your emergency contact and they couldn't get a hold of me, they called him and I just….god Bri, I thought you were dead or something"

"Come here" He pulled her back into his arms, knowing he probably shouldn't but she was worried and he hated to see her cry.

"I kept thinking what am I gonna tell the kids?"

"You don't need to tell them anything, I'm fine"

"You've got a whole bunch of stitches!" She exclaimed, gently touching one of the gauze covered scars "What the hell happened?"

"Drug bust" Brian sighed "Some idiot high on PCP came at us with a knife; I caught the brunt of it" He reached for her fingers "Liv, I'm okay"

She just nodded and squeezed his hand "You need a ride home?"

"Eh probably, if that's okay, I'm getting a sling for my arm, I'm not allowed to lift it higher than my elbow" He gestured to the white bandage wrapped around his thick bicep "They don't think there's any permanent muscle damage so that's good" He smiled.

They sat in a comfortable silence while the nurse came in with his discharge papers and a slip for his medication. Olivia sat on the plastic chair at the side of the bed and watched his every movement silently thanking god that he wasn't more seriously injured.

"Liv, can you hand me that shirt?" Brian pointed to the dark blue t-shirt that hung off the back of the chair she was sitting on. She watched him for a second, struggling to pull the shirt on without being able to fully lift his arm.

"Come here" She pulled the shirt from him and gently helped him get it on, being extra careful when it came to his injured arm.

The nurse came back in with the sling he would have to wear for a week or two and showed them both how to put it on and take it off again.

.

"I'll stop off at the drug store and pick up your prescription" Olivia said quietly as she helped him into the front seat of her car, the painkillers the doctor had given him as they were leaving were now fully taking effect as he drowsily nodded.

Olivia drove through the streets she knew like the back of her hand and stopped by the pharmacy near their house; she left him in the car half asleep and quickly ran in to the store picking up more bandages and gauze while she was there.

Ten minutes later they had arrived at the house, she leaned over and gently shook him awake "Bri, wake up, we're home."

Brian opened his eyes and squinted trying to take in his surroundings, he winced in pain as he moved a little too quickly. He looked out the front window and noticed where they were

"Take me home, Liv"

"You are home" She said quietly "You can stay here for a while, until you get full use of your arm again..."

"No" He interrupted "Either take me to my apartment or I'll call a cab" He replied, trying not to sound too angry at her for suggesting he stay with her and the kids

"Brian…"

"No" He almost shouted in the small confines of the dark sedan. "I'm not staying here with you and the kids until you think I'm better enough to throw me out again."

Olivia felt her heart die in her chest, she watched him struggle with the next sentence

"I won't let you do that to the kids, you know me staying will just get their hopes up and I can't do that to them."

Olivia nodded, she forgot for a moment about their whole situation, just a tiny moment everything seemed half normal again, as normal as things could get with your soon to be ex-husband being almost shredded up by a raging drug dealer.

"Gimme a minute, I'll go check everything's okay and then I'll drive you…you sure you don't wanna come see the kids? Just say hi?" She asked, gently touching his arm

Brian shook his head sadly, wishing he had the strength to say yes "I can't, not like this, I don't want them to worry"

"Okay" Olivia nodded "I'll be back in a second"

.

Olivia pulled the car up and parked in the empty space right outside Brian's apartment building, she cut the ignition and got out the car, grabbing his things from the backseat.

"Thanks" Brian said quietly "For everything"

"It's fine, come on" She started to head up the steps when he called for her

"Liv, go home, I'm fine" He said as he tried to pull his coat from her arms

"Shut up and open the damn door, I'm gonna make sure you get settled down okay and then go" She replied angrily "Stop fighting me, you'd do the same for me"

"I love you that's why" He muttered as he pushed the door open, with his uninjured hand, she knew the drugs were making him lucid, she also knew he wasn't lying. "I sure as hell wouldn't be doing it out of guilt"

"Dammit Brian! Will you stop this?"

"Stop what Liv?" He turned and faced her, frustration clouding his tired features "I'm tired of this damn game you seem to think we're playing. We're getting divorced, you wanted a divorce and I'm giving you it. You wanted me to sleep with you last night and I did, then you kicked me out not even half an hour later." He snarled

"I'm sick of this. I'm sick of having to come back here instead of being home with you and our kids but this was your choice Liv, just because I'm injured I don't expect anything to change so stop giving me these tiny glimpses of hope for us because we both know it's not going to happen"

He turned and walked towards the elevator leaving Olivia stunned in the middle of the dim hallway. She knew he was angry about the previous night, she had essentially used him and threw him to the curb, she hoped he wouldn't hate her for it but he clearly held a grudge, not that she expected him not to.

But she knew he was right, they were getting a divorce. She had to stop acting like this was just a separation, that everything would go back to normal soon because it wasn't. She filed for divorce, because of her and her stubborn attitude; they would never go back to normal.

.

"Daddy…"

"Lennon…"

"It's my birthday soon"

Brian gazed at his little girl who sat at the kitchen table grinning up at him. Her birthday was next week and the day had been pretty much planned, it killed him inside to know that this year wouldn't be the same. He wouldn't get to wake up to her little excited body jumping on the bed as he and his wife lay wrapped in each other's arms, he may not be there first thing in the morning as she opened her presents or when his wife and kids spent the day at the zoo, the plans were set but as far as his involvement, that all still depended on Olivia.

"Really? How old are you gonna be?"

"Three" She smiled holding up four tiny fingers

Brian laughed and set her cup of juice down in front of her, he sat down in the chair beside her, a stab of pain shooting through his left side. It had been almost two weeks since his ordeal and he was healing quicker than expected but was still in some amount of pain.

Olivia had called him two days ago asking if he could watch Lennon for the day and pick up Zach from kindergarten because her mother couldn't, he obviously agreed, happily taking any time he could with his kids.

"So what do you want for your birthday?"

"Cake" Lennon replied, her tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth as she put pen to paper and continued to colour in her picture of Sleeping Beauty and her prince from her new Disney colouring book.

"You want cake? That's it?" Brian grinned; she was exactly like her mother.

"And a puppy but Mama said no. Can you get me a puppy daddy?" Lennon looked up at her father with her big brown eyes, exact replicas of her mothers and smiled "Please?"

"If Mama said no then I think I have to say no as well, sweetheart"

"Okay, can I get a turtle instead?"

"A turtle?"

"Yeah"

Brian shook his head and chuckled at his little girl "I'll talk to Mama and see what she says"

"Thanks daddy"

"You're welcome, baby"

.

"Hey Bri, it's me"

"Liv, hey, what's up?"

"Nothing, I've got a witness to go and see in about an hour so I'll get Zach and bring him back, rather than you having to do it"

"Liv, I can go get him, it's fine…"

"I know that, I'm saying I've got time so I'll do it, it saves you having to" Olivia sighed down the phone, everything turned into an argument between them nowadays, not that she could really blame him for it, she had spent the entire time during the divorce proceedings questioning his devotion to her and the kids and now, that he had proved himself, she still seemed to question it.

"How's Lennon?" She asked, trying to change the subject

"She's fine, she's colouring in and she's decided she wants a turtle for her birthday, just thought I'd give you a word of warning"

"A turtle?"

"A turtle, and cake" He replied with a chuckle "She's definitely your kid" He added

"Right, I don't even…a turtle? Where the hell did she get that idea from? "

Brian laughed at her confusion "I have no idea"

"Right, okay, I better go, I'll bring Zach back in about an hour"

.

"You alright, Liv?"

"Yeah just…" She held up her phone and shook her head at her partner "We were fine until a couple of weeks ago, now it comes and goes."

"You'll work it out" Elliot smiled from his side of their joined desk

"Hopefully" She muttered "I dunno how much more I can take"

"You wanna go get a drink tonight? Take your mind off it?"

"I can't, the kids…"

"Well, I could come over? You provide the glowing entertainment of children's movies and complaints about your soon to be ex-husband and I'll bring the beer, my sparkling personality and some jokes" Elliot pushed

"I dunno, El…"

"Come on Liv"

Olivia smiled at her partner, she knew it was probably a bad idea but she agreed anyway "Okay, let me get the kids to bed and then you can come over"

.

* * *

_any thoughts?_

_lyrics: In Hiding - Pearl Jam_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


	6. Chapter 6

_and maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up_  
_running scared, I was there,  
__I remember it all too well_

_._

"I think it's bed time for you, midget gem"

"No midget gem, daddy"

"Yes, you are. You're my little midget gem"

"Daddy…" Lennon whined with a smile as she burrowed her body deeper into her father's arms.

"Lennon…" Brian whined back as he kissed his little girls head, mindful of the plastic tiara that rest upon her dark messy waves.

Olivia opened the front door and guided her tired little boy inside and held the door for Brian who carried their equally tired now officially three-year-old daughter.

"Did you have a good birthday sweetie?" Olivia kissed Lennon's head and ran her fingers into the ends of her hair.

"Yeah Mama, thank you" Lennon leaned over and wrapped her arms around her mother's neck, her legs still clutching at her father's side.

"You're very welcome, baby"

"Right, bedtime kiddos" Olivia rested her hands on her son's shoulders and guided him up the slightly spiralled staircase.

Brian hesitantly followed, he gazed around as they walked slowly and tiredly up the stairs, everything looked the same as it did before he left. He clutched his little girl a little tighter as he approached her bedroom door.

"You put her down I'll sort Zach?" Olivia turned her head back to him

"Yeah, Sure" He smiled lightly and kissed his daughters cheek "Come on, little one, let's get you ready for bed"

.

"Is she out?"

"Like a light" Brian chuckled as he quietly closed his little girl's bedroom door.

They both quietly made their way down the stairs, never saying a word to each other until they came to stand outside the living room door.

"Thanks, for today, letting me come with you guys"

"Well, that was Lennon, she wouldn't have gone without you"

His heart sank a little, he knew the only reason he spent this day with his family was because it was Lennon's birthday and the only thing she wanted was her Daddy and to go to the zoo. Part of him wished the reason Olivia had called and asked him the previous night was because she wanted him there as well.

"Well, I'll see you" He tried to smile but he knew it was fake, she probably thought he looked like a sad pathetic animal about to be kicked but he couldn't even care.

"Bri, can we talk? Just for a little bit, I mean, it's easier now that the kids are in bed…"

"I-yeah, sure, what's up?"

.

"You want coffee?"

"Eh yeah, thanks"

Brian awkwardly sat at what was once their kitchen table and watched Olivia expertly move around the kitchen. She had changed so much since their first meeting. Back then she was a bright, young doe-eyed detective, desperate to make her perfect mark on an imperfect world, to right the wrongs done by the worst of the worst in humanity, wearing suits that were two sizes two big and trying anxiously, everyday to fill the hole in her heart that was left by a man she had never known and vowed to confront for her creation.

Nowadays she was still that person, trying to change the world one case, one victim at a time. But now she had other priorities, her children were her whole world. Before, she would never leave work until a case was finished but now, as soon as she could she would rush home to hang out with the two little angels who were the reason for her bright smile. Her post-pregnancy figure was even more beautiful than before, he had told her every day how beautiful she was to him, her once short dark hair was now flowing half way down her back and her eyes had a sparkle that he had never seen until after the kids were born. The previously over sized suits were long gone, replaced by outfits that fit her curvaceous figure and made ever guys head turn without being the slightest bit revealing and the need to fill the void in her heart left by her own father had been filled long ago on a cold February morning when the first screams of their new-born son bounced off the walls of the private hospital room.

He smiled with thanks as she placed the steaming mug of coffee in front of him and sat down in the chair at his left side.

"So what's up?" He asked quietly, his eyes trained on the steam that rose from the mug.

"I wanted to talk about us, the kids, how we're going to handle this" She replied, her voice somehow stern and shaking at the same time

"Handle what?"

"The divorce" She whispered "I don't want to keep dragging the kids along, we need to get them into some sort of routine, they need to understand that Daddy doesn't live here anymore and things are going to be different from now on"

"Yeah" Brian agreed, he felt sick to his stomach. His own parents divorced when he was a young child, granted they were better apart than they ever were together but he hated the mess that it caused, the split holidays, the new 'step' families, it wasn't until he was in his teens that he fully understood that sometimes this sort of thing happens to families and he made a vow to himself then that if he was to ever have kids, they would never experience the same sort of childhood he did.

"So what do you think? How should we deal with it?" Olivia asked as she quietly sipped her coffee

"I dunno Liv, you seem to have it all figured out, why don't you come up with an idea and I'll agree"

"For god's sake Brian, can you at least try and help me out with this? I don't want to be the bad guy here"

"Liv, I honestly don't know what you want me to do." He finally turned his gaze on her, their eyes meeting "You wanted a divorce, I've given you one. You want me to spend more time with the kids, I have, I will always put them first, you know that"

"I know" She replied

"It's hard to come to an agreement on something that you weren't in agreement with in the first place"

"What does that mean?"

"I didn't want this divorce Liv, you did."

"Yeah and I wanted it because of you" Olivia raised her voice "God Brian, I put everything into this marriage and all I got in return was a half-assed attempt. We were so good in the beginning; we used to have people envy our marriage and our lives together, hell we're getting divorced and people still do."

Brian felt his heart slowly slide to the floor, he knew this divorce was because of him, she had pointed it out many times.

"I just wanted my husband, I wanted you to want to come home to us and hang out and watch movies on the couch and have lazy days in the house, I wanted us to take the kids to the park on the weekends and have date nights like we used to. I wanted to be able to talk to you and tell you everything and anything without worrying that I was bothering you. I wanted my marriage back. We faded apart and I can't even pinpoint when it happened, it just did. You never came home and when you did you didn't seem to give a damn"

"That's not true" He quietly retaliated

"You were, you still are amazing with the kids, Bri, they adore you and I love that. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you and the kids together; my heart literally feels like it's going to burst because I'm so happy." Olivia smiled

"It was us that changed" She spoke quietly "It was as if you didn't give a damn about us anymore. I missed my husband, we just fell apart, we couldn't seem to go a day without fighting and I didn't want that around the kids, I grew up with shouting and arguing and fights at all hours of the day and night and I promised myself when I found out I was pregnant with Zach that my kids would never be exposed to that in my house, not if I could help it."

"And divorce is you're answer to fixing that?" Brian scolded, "Let's just give up on our marriage rather than fight for it?"

"I did fight Brian" Olivia slammed her hands down on the coffee table, the coffee in the mugs shaking, threatening to spill over the sides "I fought every damn day, you just didn't care enough to see it"

.

"Daddy?"

"Zach?" Brian shot up from his sleepy state on the dark leather couch in his apartment "What's wrong?"

"Mama and Lenny are sick," His son whispered down the phone "They're not well Daddy"

"Are you okay buddy?"

"Yeah Daddy but Mama not well"

"Alright, I'll be over soon okay?"

Brian hung up the phone and quickly got dressed; it had been a just over a week since Lennon's birthday and his more than awkward situation with his soon to be ex-wife. They hadn't been on the best speaking terms over the last week, mainly because they had both been buried in work and when they weren't they were either sleeping or taking care of the kids and didn't have the time or energy to argue with each other.

As he pulled up to the house, he knocked on the door and saw Zach rushing towards him, still dressed in his blue plaid pyjamas.

"Hey Buddy" Brian immediately lifted his son into his arms and kissed the side of his head. He pulled the door closed behind him and hugged his son tight.

"It's gonna be okay" He said quietly. Zach had always had a hard time seeing his little sister or his mother in pain, he had only been three when Olivia was last pregnant but every time she was sick he would get upset and hide or try and comfort her in any way he could.

Brian quietly walked through to the living room and called for Olivia who was nowhere to be found.

"I think she's being sick Daddy" Zach pointed towards the staircase and laid his head on his Dad's shoulder.

"Okay buddy, why don't you watch cartoons just now while I go check on your Mom and Lennon okay?"

"Kay, Daddy" Zach smiled and jumped from his father's arms onto the couch, Brian grabbed the TV remote and turned the TV on to the cartoon channel and made his way upstairs.

"Liv?" He knocked on their bedroom door a few times before quietly pushing it open "Liv, you in here?" He turned the corner and saw the little body of his daughter curled up on her side in the middle of her mother's bed, he walked over and pressed his hand against Lennon's forehead, she definitely had a fever. Her dark hair was matted and her skin was clammy, there was a bucket by the edge of the bed, which he took to mean she had already been sick at some point in the night.

"Liv?" Brian cautiously walked towards the adjoining bathroom when he heard the retching sounds from his wife.

He pushed the door open and immediately walked to the sink and soaked a washcloth in cold water. He watched as Olivia -still clad in her pyjama shorts and what was once his shirt from what she had worn to bed the night before- threw up everything she had inside her into the porcelain bowl. He walked over to her and placed the cloth on the back of her neck and grabbed a hair tie from the edge of the sink, pulling her thick dark hair from the back of her neck he tied it into a quick ponytail and gently rubbed her back.

"What are you doing here?" She moaned and lay her head down on her arm

"Zach called me," He said quietly

"What?" She quickly turned to face him only to be hit with an overwhelming sense of light-headedness and turned back towards the toilet.

"He called me about thirty minutes ago saying you and Len were sick" He continued to slowly rub her back as she groaned

"She came into me just after midnight saying she didn't feel well and then threw up all over the floor." Olivia explained "I got her into the bed and cleaned up and fell asleep, woke up this morning to this" She gestured to her own ill state

"Did you guys eat anything different yesterday?"

"No, plus Zach's fine" She said quietly before turning away from him to throw up again. "How did he know to call you?"

"Okay, I'll be back in a minute and he knows I'm on speed dial two."

Brian left her in the bathroom and quickly checked that Lennon was still asleep before running down to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and filled a sippy cup for Lennon as well as another bucket from the cupboard before making his way back into the bedroom.

Olivia was brushing her teeth as he entered the room. He placed the water bottle by her bedside and the sippy cup next to Lennon before helping Olivia back into bed.

"Okay, there's your water, remember and only drink sips. Bucket's by your head if you need to be sick again, there's water for Lennon in her purple cup at that side and I'll get Zach ready and we'll go to the store and get some ginger ale and stuff and I'll be back to check on you guys soon"

"Bri, you don't have to do this, I'll call my mom" Olivia moaned and buried her head into the pillow beneath her head

"Shut up Liv, besides, your Mom's out of town remember, plus someone needs to watch Zach"

He pulled the covers up over her shoulders and pressed his hand against her head "You feel kinda warm"

"Throwing up for an hour will do that to you" She grumbled

"I'll keep an eye on your temperatures as well and if they get any worse, you're both going to see the doctor"

"Okay"

"What was that?"

"I said okay," Olivia repeated

"You agree with me?" Brian grinned as he kneeled down beside the bed to face her "I'm right?"

"Yes I agree with you now leave before I throw up all over you" She smiled and closed her eyes praying that sleep would take over her sick, weary body.

.

"Okay Buddy, what's on the list?" He dropped Zach carefully into the cart and headed into the store

"Ginger juice"

"Ginger Ale, son"

"Yeah, that" Zach grinned at his father.

"Okay, lets go get some of that"

An hour later they arrived home and dumped the grocery bags on the counter.

"This is gonna make them feel better" Zach smiled as he tried to lift the multi-pack of ginger ale up onto the counter.

"Yeah Zach, it sure is" Brian smiled at his sons optimism "I'm gonna go check on Mom and Lenny now okay?" He armed himself with ginger ale, Pepto-Bismol and crackers, as well as some hot peppermint tea for Olivia.

"Can I make Mama a picture?"

"You sure can, you go grab the pens and I'll get you some paper."

After setting Zach up at the kitchen table, Brian made his way upstairs to check on his girls. Entering the bedroom he found his daughter still sound asleep, now curled into her mother's side while Olivia sat wide awake with a cold cloth over her forehead

"Hey"

She slowly opened her eyes and smiled "Hi, what's all this?"

"Peppermint tea, which used to help the nausea when you were pregnant right? I thought you could try it now as well" Brian slowly handed her the mug as she sat up in the bed and he helped propped up the pillows behind her.

Olivia smiled as he rattled off the stuff he brought back from the store, her heart swelled when he handed her the tea, she couldn't quite believe that he remembered she had it while she was pregnant because it was just about the only thing she could drink that didn't make her sick.

"I've got ginger ale as well, one of the bottles is already opened to let it go flat for Lennon, she'll probably hate it but I guess you could try and get her to drink some"

"Thanks for all of this Bri, you really didn't have to" She smiled and sipped her tea

"Yeah I did" He smiled back "I've got Zach occupied, you guys just get some rest, shout me if you need anything"

"Hey" Her voice stopped him, as he was leaving "Your dad hasn't called yet has he? He said he'd called when he and Jane had booked the tickets just to give us a heads up"

"Nah, not yet, knowing him he probably forgot and he'll call when they land at JFK." He joked, "Try and get some sleep"

Brian's father, Michael currently lived in California with his wife Jane, he had been shipped out there for work when Brian was seventeen, his older sister Chrissy was in college out in LA and his older brother Daniel had already graduated and was out travelling the world. Brian and his dad had always had a close relationship despite living on opposite sides of the country for most of his life.

They hadn't been able to make it over for Lennon's birthday but had called her and said they'd be out to see her soon. They were due to fly out at some point this week and surprise Lennon, Brian had called his dad and left a message on his cell phone to warn him that Lennon and Olivia were both ill and they could stay with him until the girls had gotten better.

.

"Elliot? What are you doing here?"

"Cap said you'd called in sick again, just wanted to make sure you were alright" Elliot smiled as he entered the Cassidy family home

"We're fine, Lennon has it worse than me and she's a real Mama's girl when she's sick so I thought I'd stay off with her"

Half an hour later Brian pulled up in his car and parked outside the house he'd spent the last three days at looking after his sick wife and daughter. His hands gripped the wheel tight as he gazed up at the front door through his red, tear-filled eyes. Slowly climbing up the steps he thought of every possible way to tell Olivia what had happened, that was until he saw Elliot through the living room window and all went to hell.

It was well known that Elliot had a thing for Olivia; it was even stronger now that his wife of eighteen years had kicked him out. He and Brian had always had a tense relationship due to the fact that unlike Olivia, Brian could see right through him and quite frankly didn't trust him around his wife.

He knocked on the door and watched as Olivia smiled as she walked towards the door and unlatched the lock

"Hey Bri, what's up?"

"Hey Cassidy, woah, who died?" Elliot joked as he took in the sight of Brian on the doorstep

"My Dad"

"What?" Olivia's face fell as she whipped her gaze back to Brian

"Eh, my dad, he had a heart attack at the airport, they were getting on the flight and he just…they got him to the hospital but it was already too late"

Olivia stood stunned on the doorstep, her heart at her feet as she watched her husband struggling with his emotions, he was never one to cry or show emotions in front of people and she could tell he was having trouble dealing with the news.

"I thought I'd come and tell you face to face, it's not something you want to do over the phone"

"Bri, come on in" She tearfully grabbed his arm and jumped when he pulled back "Please"

"No." He said firmly and cleared his throat as he stared between her and Elliot

"I've gotta go tell my mom. Jane called me first" He said quietly "No one else knows yet"

"Well gimme a minute and I'll come with you" She offered "Please Bri"

"It's okay, you do what you were doing, I'll talk to you later"

She called for him as he climbed into his car and pulled away from the house, she wiped the tears from her eyes and told Elliot she'd speak to him another time as she hurriedly pushed him out the door.

She quickly peeked up the stairs into her children's bedrooms where the both slept soundly, Lennon still feeling a little ill and Zach just wanted a nap so she let him.

She made her way into her bathroom, closed the door quietly and slid to the floor, crying into a towel. She cried for her husband, who had just lost his father, she cried for their children who would now know the feeling of losing someone they love and for herself, for the loss of the only father figure that she'd ever had and for the eternal, shattered mess her life was in.

And it was only about to get a whole lot worse.

.

* * *

_lyrics: All Too Well - Taylor Swift_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


	7. Chapter 7

_he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger_  
_and finally drank away her memory_  
_life is short but this time it was bigger_  
_than the strength he had to get up off his knees_

.

"Mama?"

Olivia pulled her cell phone from her ear as her son tiredly stumbled into her bedroom, his pyjama pants ridden half way up his legs and his hair slightly dishevelled.

"Hey buddy" She smiled, trying to hide the fact she's spent the last hour and a half crying in the bathroom but it didn't work

"Why you sad, Mama?" Zach tilted his head as he questioned his mother

"It's nothing, baby" Olivia replied quietly, cursing the inevitable moment when she would have to sit her young children down and tell them the tragedy of their grandfather's death.

Zach stepped closer to the bed when Olivia held her hands out for him, he grinned and jumped up onto his parents bed, quickly clambering up to his mother's side. She smiled sadly and kissed the mess of dark hair on the top of his head as he tightened his arms around his mothers middle and laid his head against her chest.

"I love you, little man, you know that right, I love you and your sister more than anything in the whole world" She kissed his head again and squeezed her arms around his smaller body

"More than cupcakes?" Zach asked as he looked up at his mother, his eyes wide "Because 'member we made those ones with Daddy and you said they were the best?"

Olivia laughed and kissed him again, tears pricking at behind her dark eyes at his beautiful innocence. "Even more than my birthday cupcakes"

"Then that's a lot Mommy" He giggled and leaned up for a kiss "I love you more than cupcakes too Mama and I love Lenny and Daddy that much too"

She pulled one arm away from her son and picked up her phone again, she had spent the last hour calling and texting her husband, hoping he was okay and that he wasn't about to do anything stupid. He never did well with his emotions, he'd hold everything in and then just explode when things got too much and she couldn't deny she was worried. Between the impending divorce, which neither of them had never really come to terms with, and now the death of his father, with whom he had always been close, Olivia was sure her husband was ready to break.

"Hey buddy, I'm gonna go check on your sister okay? And then I have to go out for a little bit, I'm gonna call aunt Casey and see if she can come and look after you both okay?"

Zach nodded against her chest "Okay Mama, I'll come and check on Lennon as well, I hope she feels better"

After waking her daughter up and giving her some more medicine and setting up a movie for Zach, Olivia went back into her bedroom and sat down gingerly on the bed, her head spinning, her stomach doing somersaults. She gripped the bedcovers between her fingers and took a few deep breaths; just yesterday she had woken up feeling better, the last thing she needed right now was to get sick again.

She searched through her phone and found Casey's number and hit call, sending a silent prayer that her best friend wasn't currently in the courtroom.

"_Hey Liv, what's up?"_

"Casey, hi" Olivia sighed "I have a favour to ask, are you free?"

"_Not right now, I can be in about half an hour though, I need to find a judge and get a warrant signed and then I'm all yours, what's happened?"_

"I-Brian's dad died about five hours ago…"

"_Oh god Liv,"_ Olivia could hear the sorrow in her friend's voice _"I'm so sorry, hon. How's he doing? How are you?"_

"I'm okay, I don't think it's really hit me yet but I'm worried about him Case" She ran her fingers through her hair "He wont answer my calls, I just wanna go and check on him, make sure he's not planning on doing anything stupid"

"_You don't think he would do you?"_

"No, of course not. I just, he had to tell his mom and sister. Jane called him from the hospital just after it happened, I dunno how they handled it and you know what he's like with emotions and all of that, I just wanna make sure that he's okay"

"_I'll never understand why you two are going through a divorce"_ Casey sighed and muttered under her breath

"Case, please, not now"

"_Sorry, sorry. I'll watch the kids; I'll be there within the hour okay? Just take it easy"_

"Thanks Casey, I owe you one"

"_I'm pretty sure you owe me almost a million by now Liv, but who's counting?"_ She smiled when her friend chuckled down the line.

"See you in a little bit"

Olivia hung up the phone and quickly checked on Zach before jumping into the shower. Her mind ran in circles as she blow dried her hair and changed into a pair of black leggings and an over-sized white tank top, grabbing one of Brian's old zip-up hoodie's that she'd stolen from him years ago and shrugging it over her shoulders.

Her cell phone buzzed on the bedside cabinet and she grabbed it and quickly answered "Brian?"

"_No, sweetheart, it's Joan"_

"Oh, Hey, I thought you-never mind. Hi, how are you doing?"

"_I think we're all in a bit of shock"_

"Yeah"

"_I'm guessing Brian didn't come back and see you?"_ Joan, Brian's mother asked, concern laced in her soft voice

"No, no he didn't, I'm just gonna head over to his apartment, I wanted to make sure he was okay"

"_Thank god."_ The older woman sighed _"He needs you Olivia, darling. I know you're both going through some troubles and I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you but he needs to talk to someone and you've always been the one to get him to open up"_

"I know" Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and sat on the edge of her bed "How was he with you?"

"_Closed off, I think everyone's in shock but he left so suddenly, I just wanted to see if he came to you"_

"No, he didn't. He won't answer my calls either, that's why I'm going to see him, he can't shut everyone out"

"_Thank you, Liv"_ Joan had always been a fan of Olivia ever since their first meeting, they always had a strong bond, even now Olivia and Brian were going through divorce, she would always think of her daughter-in-law as one of her own.

"Joan," Olivia sighed, "I'm so sorry about Michael"

"_I know darling, me too. We hadn't been together for over thirty years and we both found love with other people but he gave me three wonderful children and for that, I will always love him"_

.

"Lennon is in bed, she's still not feeling to great but I think it's just exhaustion, she's been throwing up for the past two days and barely slept at all but she should be out for the night now. Zach said he'll be very well behaved and go to bed when you tell him to…isn't that right Zach?"

Olivia raised her eyebrow at her son as she explained the situation to Casey.

"Yeah Mama, aunt Casey, you wanna watch toy story with me?"

"Of course I do, you know it's my favourite" Casey grinned at her godson and 'nephew'. She had been aunt Casey since Zach was born, for both he and Lennon.

"I shouldn't be long but…"

"Liv, don't worry about it. Go and see he's okay and if you're late, I know where the spare bedroom is" The redhead smiled at her best friend "Go, we'll be fine here, I've kept them overnight before, I know how they work"

"Thank you so much, Case" Olivia quickly hugged her friend and kissed her son on the head before grabbing her phone and wallet from the table and quickly running out the door.

.

"Brian, open this damn door right now!" Olivia raised her voice and banged her hand against the wooden door for what felt like the thousandth time in the last seven minutes.

"I swear to god, Bri…"

"Its open"

She took a deep breath as the grumble of her husband's voice filtered through his apartment. She slowly pushed the door open and saw straight through into the living room. He sat with his back to the door, on the floor between the black leather couch and the heavy, pinewood coffee table that was clear apart from five items. Three photos, a three-quarter empty bottle of whiskey and his gun.

Olivia threw her wallet, keys and phone on the kitchen counter before marching over to the table and grabbing his service weapon. She felt sick to her stomach and her heart launched itself to the back of her throat as she removed the clip and found a single bullet.

"You selfish bastard" She growled

"I was just cleaning it" He smiled, sarcasm written all over his drunken features.

She placed the gun beside her accessories and walked back over to him, standing over his shrunken frame "Seriously Bri, you were gonna eat your gun?" The tears from before and a fresh new batch pushed against her eyelids and she clenched them shut.

"No, I had a thought and it went away" She knew he was drunk, and she knew better than anyone that being sad, angry and drunk was not a good combination.

"You were right Liv" He said quietly, his fingers tracing over one of the photographs in front of him "About everything, you were so right"

Olivia sat down by his side and smiled at the photograph between his fingers. It had been taken last year at his mother's home in Queens. They were in the back yard, during summer time celebrating Joan's birthday, Olivia was sitting on a blanket on the grass, a younger Lennon in her lap, her little head thrown back in laughter as Zach held on tight to his mother's shoulders, he was looking away from the camera but the smile on his face was evident, so was Olivia's. Her eyes sparkled, her smile lit up the entire photo as she sat with her arms around her kids.

"This is my favourite" He smiled, running his fingers over the glossy paper "One of my favourites" he corrected himself.

Brian handed her the picture "You look so happy. I haven't seen you that happy for a long time and I'm so sorry" He slurred "You were right, I've been a shitty husband and you don't deserve that."

"Brian…"

"You deserve the world Olivia, I'm so sorry"

Olivia shook her head and wiped the tears from her eyes "Stop apologising, it's not your fault"

"If I was a better husband to you and a better father to our kids then you wouldn't need to divorce me" He pointed out "I love you so much. God Liv, you're the best you know that right?"

She smiled and touched his arm gently

"You are fucking everything to me and I've wrecked it all, I'm sorry" He swallowed another mouthful of the dark amber liquid, he was so far past numb that he couldn't even feel the burn in his throat.

Olivia pulled the bottle back from his hands and sat up on her knees "Brian, stop it. Please" She placed the bottle on her side, far away from his reach and cupped his face with her hands, her fingers scratching against the stubble on his cheeks as she turned him to face her.

"Remember our wedding day?" He whispered as he stared at her mouth "I promised you forever"

"Yeah, I remember" She smiled sadly

"I promised I'd always be there for you and for our family, I'd never let you down or intentionally hurt you"

She just nodded unable to find any words

"I guess I broke that promise huh?"

"No you didn't"

Brian turned away from her grasp, his hand falling to the photo on the table, the one of the two of them, neither of them looking at the camera, only at each other. It wasn't a posed photograph, it was a snap, a random moment in time caught perfectly by the photographer they had hired for the day. It was from their wedding day and the looks on their faces would never be compared.

"How did it go with your Mom?" She asked, clearing her throat, trying to change the subject for a moment.

"Fine, everyone's just in shock. Christy was there, she's upset obviously. Mom's gonna try and get a hold of Danny and tell him"

"How are you?"

"Fine" He replied, throwing a fake smile in her direction

"Don't lie to me" She gripped his arm "Talk to me Bri, please don't shut me out"

"My dad died, Liv" He scorned "There's not much else to say"

Olivia nodded and glanced down at the last picture on the table, one of Brian, his dad and herself on their wedding day, it was one of her favourite pictures from the whole day, taken at the reception everyone was so laid back and carefree, it was the best night of her life.

"You wanna just in the quiet for a while?"

Brian nodded and stared at the photo as she grabbed his free hand and pulled it to her lap, clasping it in both of hers, her fingers running over the rough skin. After a few minutes of silence she watched as he started to crumble, she wiped her own tears away before pulling him into her arms as he broke down crying. She quickly manoeuvred herself around as he wrapped his arms around her middle just as their son had done hours ago. She kissed the top of his head and whispered to him as her own tears fell from her eyes and landed in his hair.

"It's gonna be okay" She whispered "I promise babe, it's gonna be okay, everything's gonna work out"

After minutes of tears and apologies from them both, Brian pulled back and apologised for breaking down.

"You're allowed Bri, it's okay to not be fine"

He reached over and gently wiped the tears from her eyes "I'm sorry I made you cry"

"Maybe I just needed to cry as well" She shrugged and smiled

"I've made you cry too much over the last six months Liv, you don't deserve that"

"Brian, your father just died, you need to grieve, we can worry about us later"

"My family is falling apart. My wife filed for divorce, I barely see my kids and my dad just died." Brian remarked sadly "He's dead Liv, I know I need to grieve and I will. But I don't want to lose my family. I promised you that I would make you the happiest woman alive until the day that I die and I want fulfil that promise."

"Brian, don't, we can't talk about this now" She ran her fingers through her hair and stood up, wincing at the numbness in her legs

"Why not Liv? My dad died suddenly at the airport while on his way to come and see his family. He hadn't had any symptoms, he never felt ill, and he just died. I can't take that chance, I don't want to die not having fought for you and the kids"

"Is that why you had a single bullet in your gun?"

Brian shrugged and turned to face away from her again "Maybe I thought you guys would be better off without me"

"Please don't you dare ever say that again" She whispered "Please"

Brian stood and drunkenly stumbled towards her and apologised. "My dad always said 'if it's broke, fix it, don't just throw it away unless it's unfixable'"

He gently ran his fingers through her hair and tucked a stray strand behind her ear "Please Liv, let me fix it"

.

* * *

_thoughts? continue or not? leave a review and let me know what you think_

_lyrics: Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley ft Alison Krauss_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


	8. Chapter 8

_And in the morning I'll be with you,_  
_But it will be a different kind,_  
_'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets,_  
_And you'll be owning all the fines_

.

"I can't…"

"Liv"

Brian kept one hand on her cheek, his thumb gently swiped across her cheekbone, wiping away the teardrop that slowly fell from her eye, he reached with his other thumb and finger to tip her chin, bringing her lips in line with his.

"We can't…" Olivia whispered, her voice cracking with emotion as their foreheads touched. Brian swooped in and captured her lips with his; his previously drunken state vanished as she kissed him back.

Her heart leapt in her chest, her fingers unknowingly clenched his shirt in her palms, her touch gently caressing his ribs as she pulled him closer. His entire being invading her senses, his touch leaving pinpricks across her skin as his hands cupped the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her dark hair, his taste on her lips, her favourite thing. The tang of whiskey on his tongue nipped her lips as he gently bit her bottom lip knowing it drove her wild.

As she hit the wall behind her, Olivia broke out of her captivated trance and pushed him back, "Bri, stop" his hands falling to her shoulders before she stepped out of his grasp.

"You cant just kiss me and expect this to all go away" She cried sadly "I want this, I want you back in my life and back in my home and in my bed but god Bri, what if it goes back to the way it was before? I can't…"

"It wont" Brian interrupted, moving to stand in front of her, clasping her hands in his "I promise, it'll be different, I'll change"

"I don't want you to change Brian, there's nothing wrong with you" she said quietly "I thought you didn't want to be with us anymore…"

"Why would you think that, god Liv, I love you and the kids so much." He cautiously kissed her forehead, hoping she wouldn't push him away "I know I don't show it as often as I should, I know in the romance department I'm completely inept but I can change that if you want me to"

"I'm not trying to change _you_, Bri, that wouldn't be fair. I just don't want to work on this again and have it end up the way we are right now. I can't do that to the kids, it's not fair. I just want them to be happy, us to be happy."

"Are you happy?" He asked, not really sure if he wanted to hear the answer "Have you been happier, since we separated?"

"I don't know," She quietly admitted

Brian sighed as his heart sank to his feet, there was nothing in the world he wanted more than for his wife to be happy and if he wasn't the one to make her that way then so be it, he'd walk away but it didn't mean he'd have to like it. He moved away from her and slumped down on the sofa, his head fell back as his hands covered his face and he groaned.

"Why does life have to be so complicated?" He asked to no one in particular.

"Brian" Olivia moved over to the sofa and sat beside him "You need to grieve" She told him, her voice quiet "You've just lost your father, you need time to process and to mourn, jumping back into everything isn't going to help you at all"

He sat up and forward, he turned to face her slightly "Then tell me that we're over" He demanded

"Tell me for definite that out marriage is finished and there's nothing I can do about it, let me get all my grieving done at once"

"That's not fair," She whispered as the ever-prominent tears filled her eyes once more

"I'm sick of this maybe, maybe not crap Liv." He sighed into his hands "If you want to move on I'm fine with it, seriously, I want you to be happy and if that isn't going to be with me anymore then okay. I'll let you go, but just please don't take the kids away from me" He pleaded

"I would never do that to you" She scowled sadly, brushing the falling tears with her sleeve "God Bri, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without you but I couldn't handle it if we went back to the way it was before, I can't handle the fighting anymore, I'm just too damn tired"

"Then let me fight" He grabbed her hands and moved next to her "Let me do the fighting. I don't want to lose you, babe"

.

"I'm going to make some coffee"

"I don't need coffee"

"After the amount of whiskey you downed tonight? You need coffee" Olivia stood and made her way into the small kitchen, she had gotten so used to their family-sized kitchen that she had forgotten how small apartments could feel.

A few minutes later she sat the blue 'world's best daddy' mug in his hands and encouraged him to drink up.

"You're still drunk, you need to drink that"

"I'm not drunk" He spoke, his words no longer slurred yet his mind still felt like jelly, their conversation had sobered him up slightly, the fact that they were talking about the future of their marriage made him regret ever touching the amber alcohol.

"You are. We'll talk in the morning, properly talk in the morning when your emotions aren't driven by a truck load of jack daniels." She said as she sat against the back of the sofa nursing her own cup of coffee.

"Do you not believe anything I've just said?" He turned his head to the side

"Do you even remember anything you just said?" She remarked with a smirk

"Stay with me tonight"

Olivia rolled her eyes and sighed, "I cant, the kids…"

"Are with Casey, you said so yourself"

One hour and a goodnight phone call to Casey later Olivia lay on her side, her eyes trained on the orange glow of the streetlight that bled through the closed curtains. Brian lay on his side of the bed, flat on his back with his arms across his stomach as he stared at the ceiling fan; he wanted nothing more than to wrap his wife in his arms and whisper 'I love you' as they drifted off to sleep.

"Liv…" Brian whispered in the night after minutes of silence.

"Yeah?"

"My dad's dead"

"Yeah, he is" She replied, closing her eyes, feeling her heart break in her chest for the loss their family had suffered.

"Do you think he had any regrets?" He asked, his voice quietly travelling in the darkness "Do you think he was happy, you know, with his life? Do you think he was at that place where he could die happy?"

"I don't know Bri, I hope he had no regrets. He seemed like one of the happiest guys in the world."

"I don't want to die with regrets" He whispered into the room

Olivia wiped her tears and turned over to face him and placed her hand over his, he still lay unmoving on his back. "You won't"

.

"Where are you going?" Olivia smiled as she pulled her black leggings over her legs and straightened out her tank top, her husband's deep, sleep laced voice muffled by the pillow.

"I have to go home" She said quietly, walking to his side "I need to be there when the kids wake up"

Brian reached for her hand and pulled her to sit on the bed "I feel _like_ hell" He groaned

She chuckled and squeezed his hand "I'm not surprised"

"Thank you, for last night, you know…"

"I know" She nodded and lifted his hand to her lips, pressing them against his knuckles.

"And I'm sorry for well, last night" He chuckled awkwardly "I mean, you didn't need me to be acting like that I mean…"

"Bri, it's okay, it actually wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, well, apart from the gun thing, I could've lived without that"

"I'm sorry" He sat up and cupped her face, softly melding their lips together "I never would've…" They sat in silence for a few minutes

"We need to tell the kids" He whispered, his voice choked with emotion, the thought of trying to explain death to their two young, innocent children was killing him.

"I know" She smiled sadly "Come over later, we'll tell them together"

"Okay" His hand unconsciously dropped to her thigh, his thumb slowly rubbing back and forth.

Olivia smiled and watched as he caressed her leg, something he always did, no matter the situation. She held his hand again, her fingers running over the smooth wedding band that still adorned his left ring finger.

"I want to work on us," She whispered

"What made you change your mind?" He smiled and squeezed her hand

"Nothing, I always have" She leaned in and kissed his mouth, her free hand cupping his cheek. "But I have a few ground rules"

"Of course you do" Brian rolled his eyes and flinched as she slapped his chest

"One. We can't tell the kids, I'm not getting their hopes up. Two, we don't start anything until after everything that needs to be done about your dad is done, like the funeral and all of that. You need time to process everything, to grieve for your loss and I do too. I am here for you through everything, you know that but I don't want you worrying about our relationship and us when you have all of this on your mind. Spend time with your mom, with your brother and sister and the kids and I'll be there when you need me to be, after all he was practically my dad too" She smiled sadly

"And three?"

"I can't think of a third one just yet" She smiled and kissed him again. "I have to go"

"I know, I'll see you later"

"Yeah, maybe come over for dinner? We can tell them then?"

"Sure" Brian nodded and smiled as she kissed him one last time before leaving the bedroom, closing the door a little behind her.

His heart exploded when she said she wanted to try to save their marriage, all he wanted to do was scream how much he loved her, how sorry he was for everything that went wrong and how awkward everything had been between them for the last seven months.

Brian stood up and groaned as the pounded in his head surfaced, his throat felt like sandpaper having been burned by the whiskey from the previous night, he stumbled from the bed and into the bathroom, quickly cleaning his teeth hoping to relieve the bitter after taste of the amber liquid devil.

He paced into the living room, thankful Olivia turned up last night before he had time to trash the place. He made himself extra strong coffee and sat on the couch, the photos from the previous night still on the floor. He picked up the one of his father, Olivia and himself taken on their wedding day.

Michael Cassidy had installed decent values in his youngest child, hoping one day he would settle down with a family and not make the mistakes he did in his youth. The day Brian had flown Olivia out to California to meet his dad and step-mom had been nerve-wracking to say the least but his father had been besotted with Olivia from the get go and so happy he had found an amazing woman like her and welcomed her to the family immediately.

The guilt flowed through him as he gripped the photo tighter, placing his mug on the table he sat back on the couch. Brian thought about how he should've called more, even flown out to California to see him more but he didn't, something always came up with work or the kids, it was hard for he and Olivia to get time of together, there always seemed to be an excuse and now he regretted it more than anything. He made the mistake of not trying hard enough to get out to see his dad; he sure as hell wasn't about to repeat that mistake with his wife and kids.

Brian vowed to himself that this time it would be different, no more late nights in the office choosing to finish paperwork instead of putting his kids to bed, no more arguing with his wife over who had to take Zach to kindergarten or drop Lennon off with her mom or who was home in time to make dinner that night.

From now on, everything was going to be different.

.

* * *

_thoughts? still interested in this?_

_lyrics: Skinny Love - Birdy_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


End file.
